Tag Archives: food

Misconceptions About the US Found Across the Internet

1) Beer

I know where this comes from.  We as Americans have a tendency to export our garbage.  If you ask Europeans “What is an American beer” they will invariably say “Budweiser”.  I’m not claiming no one drinks Bud, I’ve seen it, but really it’s not as popular as people think.

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Ok I’ll admit there are a lot of bud lights on there.  That’s because it’s fucking hot in the US.  When I lived in Texas it routinely got to 105 out and 115 (46 c) isn’t unheard of, although that’s what the locals considered to hot to be outside.  When it’s 115 outside and your mouth is full of sand, you don’t want a challenging stout with a creamy head any more than you want to chug lukewarm hot cocoa.  You want something crisp and watery and served as close to freezing as is possible, preferably in a mug from the freezer.

The reason Europeans all think of Budweiser is because Europeans drink the hell out of Budweiser, so much so Belgians bought it so they could make it over there and save on shipping.

2) American Bread is all sweet

No it isn’t.  Idiots come over here and pick up bread that comes in a white package with primary color dots all over it and think it’s what everyone eats.

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It has 3 things going for it.  Children like it, it doesn’t go stale (it will grow mold if you try to keep it longer than a week or so) and even someone on minimum wage can afford 7 loaves of it per hour of work.

 

In short what you’re looking at is sandwich bread.  The bread that you eat when you’re not using it for a sandwich is in a different part of the store, inbetween the birthday cakes and the deli.  Just because Europeans come over here to visit and don’t figure that out, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

2) America’s Cheese isn’t Cheese

This is very similar to the sandwich bread thing.  Pasteurized (American) cheese, admittedly isn’t cheese, but again, that’s mostly for serving to children in their daily brown bag lunch.  It keeps exceptionally well and kids seem to like it.

As for the rest of the cheeses that I frequently hear Europeans describing as bland and tasteless, AGAIN, you are in the wrong part of the supermarket.  Those big 1 pound rectangular hunks of cheese you see?  Yeah we don’t eat that.  It’s a cooking ingredient, which is also why it’s found in between the eggs and butter.

Every time this comes up on the internet, I imagine some buffoon from continental europe hunkered down in a motel room with a loaf of sandwich bread, a block of cooking cheddar, and a 6 pack of bud light eating it thinking “Well this is just wretched”  Stupid Americans.

3) More Generally the Food

This is a more forgivable misunderstanding.  America is dominated by huge chain restaurants that are objectively terrible, but promise 15 minute serving times.  In the US we have a concept that is bandied about that’s called the triangle of customer service.  You’ll see different things on the triangle, and variations, but essentially the three sides are price, speed, and quality.  To be successful you have to compromise one in favor of the two that are your focus.  You can have it right now for little money, but the quality will suffer greatly.  That’s what a chain restaurant is.

The things are a recipe for basically printing money, so in a lot of smaller towns they push out the honestly good places.  Still, there is a commercial that every American I know thought was hilarious.  It’s a … you have to watch it

That’s actually how I found out that the Olive Garden was supposed to be Italian.  I always thought it was supposed to be greek because of the name.  Now that I know it’s supposed to be Italian and it’s just precooked dry noodles in sauce, it still really doesn’t make that much more sense.

That having been said there are a lot of fantastic restaurants in the US, you just have to find them.  The thing about the crappy places is they have a high profit margin and quick turn around so they have all the choice locations where you were likely to be anyway.  They’re next to the movie theatre, they’ve got sweet highway locations with massive signs that grab your attention.  They’re really easy to get sucked into.

That having been said, anyone who comes to the US and then eats at any of those places is doing themselves a genuine disservice.  As a nation of immigrants we have every kind of food you can imagine, plus some that exist nowhere else.  If you visit the US, you have to do some homework, dear reader.  First of all there is no American food.  Even uniquely American food differs from region to region.

If you get Cajun food in Louisiana you’re going to end up with a completely unique blend of spices and flavors found nowhere else in the world.  If you get Cajun food in New England you’re going to get classic French fare with seafood and extra black pepper on it.

Additionally American peasant foods are fantastic and are not to be overlooked.  Almost every state has their own version of pizza or barbecue, and some states have both.

4) Chocolate

Europeans claim American chocolate is waxy and bad.  This is because it contains less cocoa and uses edible waxes to replace some of the cocoa butter.  This is because North American chocolate is mostly made from more expensive beans raised by South American farmers, and not slaves employed by warlords in Africa, you   fucking   monsters.

5) Americans Eat Dangerous GMO Foods

No, you stupid superstitious assholes, there is nothing wrong with Genetically Modified foods.  All food you eat is GMO, it’s just that we do it in one generation rather than hundreds now.  You might as well worry about chemtrails or fluoride in the water

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